superpowers

I have them. They are rooted deep within things that I wear. Each one does something slightly different. For instance, let's say i'm wearing a fitted cap. It makes me look cool. If i wear it "properly", it makes me look like a douche. If I wear it backwards, I'm from the 90s. Sideways, well I just look like an idiot. But nice and forward, in a proper fashion, I look like a normal guy. I've been told before that I can rock a hat pretty well, and I took that to heart since I was told by some pretty good and close people that fact. But I digress. Simply put, hats allow me to change my outward appearance to other people.

Sunglasses. Most notably polarized. And dark black. They turn my eyes into curious weapons. No one can ever tell where I'm looking or even if I'm looking at all. Anyone can wear them, but not everyone can pull off a different style. For instance, I am hopeless when it comes to aviators. And there is again a douche look, this time with white framed sunglasses. If you add in some messy hair like you just got out of the shower or something, your douche meter goes up tenfold at least. Extra points if it's spiky. So sunglasses, too, can change your outward appearance as well. Like hats, it can affect how people view you.

Ipods. Not a Zune. Not some mp3 player. Or a Walkman or what have you. An iPod. There's just something about them that makes them vastly superior to all other mp3 players. And if you don't have an mp3 player, you are just plain weird. CDs won't exist in the near future. I listened to a cassette tape the other day, and it was thoroughly confusing on how to work the player since it hadn't been done in such a long time. But there's also something magical about iPods. They have pretty colors. You can touch some of them and play games and such. Steve Jobs must have some sort of leprechaun or unicorn sealed in each one because of what they can do: people think you are deaf. It's actually spectacular to witness. Someone will be going along to class, and they will pass by a group of people with flyers or something. The interaction is either one of two options: the flyerers yell at an unnecessary volume or they just wave the paper in front of the iPod-er. Clearly, these are the two best options to garner results, especially since everyone who walks by without an iPod doesn't take the flyers anyway. And, yet again, you can still look like a douche. Just walk around with $500 headphones that are huge and cover your ears. Sure, it's not that douchey, but once they turn up the volume so that any passers-by can hear what's happening, the douchery definitely increases.

And now, finally, I unveil my greatest superpower of all: I can become invisible. I can hear you all now saying, "What is this pish posh?" Absolute nonsense you non-believers will say. But let me assure you that it is true. Simply perform the following steps: add an iPod to your person, add sunglasses, and top it all off with a hat (no pun intended). Presto, change-o, you are now invisible! Don't believe me still? Try it. Just walk anywhere looking like this. You become deaf to all with the use of the iPod, but the sunglasses throw everyone off more so. They look at you and are like, "So are they blind too? But they don't have one of those cane things...?" And now all they can think about is what disability you may have. But they can't ask you, that's rude. And they don't want to yell at you like a jerk because you could just be the new Helen Keller talking with your hips. By the time they make up their minds what to do or say, if anything, you are long past them and free as a bird. In all honesty, the hat is probably unnecessary, but who cares? It gives you some character and adds another distraction into the mix.

So follow these simple steps and you too could be invisible. All products can be found at your local shopping mall. If you act now, I can't double your order, but you could probably do it yourself. Insert copyrighted material here. Now get out there and disappear!