For those of you who don't know, I have always considered myself something religious, being raised in a Catholic household and attending private Catholic schools my entire life, up until UCLA. I had all the markings of a holy person in the making: playing Jesus in our re-enactment of the Passion, altar serving for nearly eight years, and just having an all-around Christ-like presence. I went to church, professed my faith, and acted accordingly. However this was only on the outside. Inside of my body was a furious tempest, a constant struggle of confusion with what I was doing in my life. I had never had the option of questioning these beliefs. Or, rather, I had simply never questioned because the thought had never crossed my mind. Inevitably, with such torment and anguish, my faith fell, and my spirit fell into a dismal path of sin and despair. My rock bottom kept growing deeper and deeper as I refused to reach out to anyone for help, allowing myself to be consumed by the desires of the flesh and the materialistic principles of society. The days of joy and happiness on the outside were tarnished and destroyed by the gloom and darkness inside of me.
I continued on such a horrid path, forsaking the path of righteousness and treading down my own path of crude vulgarity. The months passed as I went deeper into the darkness, falling away from my family, from myself, and from Him. And still none of this was visible to me. I could not see the beam in my own eye, but was willing to pull the splinters out of my friends'. How ignorant and blind can one man be? I lost complete thought and track of who I was, who He had intended me to be. My life became meaningless to me. Nothing seemed worth doing anymore. I eventually started contemplating selfish and weak thoughts of ending it all. Soon, it became an obsession. Sure, I came out and told my parents, but it's easy to lie and say you are okay after awhile. It still haunted me, through most of college. One may even argue that I embraced it, finding some sort of twisted, maniacal solace in it. And just when I was sure I was so far gone, beyond help, it happened.
I was forced to confront everything. I had forgotten about God, but He had not forgotten about me. My life would be completely changed forevermore with the addition of one person. She knows who she is. And I know she will say she did nothing. Then I would have said that was a lie, but now I can see the truth. All she did was talk to me and listen to me and remain patient with me. It was up to me to deal with everything that I saw on the inside because I was the only one that could truly see it. My mask of completeness to the outside world hid everything, except from her. She asked, and for some odd reason at the time, I answered her, with complete uncensored truth. And before I knew it, I was crying and spilling my guts, professing all my inequities and faults, divulging all my secrets to someone I barely knew. To me at the time, this was her helping and me beginning to change. But I was wrong.
All I became was talk without action, word without deed, a long-lived wind of fallacy that just blew hot air over the idea of changing and becoming who I was supposed to be. I pretended to change, ignoring the true value of her love and friendship, the friendship of all others, and most importantly the worth of myself. Within the course of two months, I didn't change nearly as much as I should have, nearly as much as I said I would. Just last week, I showed imperfection again, hurting her who is closest to me in the blink of an eye with a careless word shared. And in that very moment, the beam in my eye was removed, and I could clearly see myself, the dark and twisted truth inside of me. The slight embrace I was giving to God seemed so small and insignificant. My despair mounted at my lack of commitment and resolve, self-pity welling up inside my soul. I dropped into a state of near mourning, trying to only figure out what I needed to do, and my frustration piled high as nothing came to mind...
And now this brings me full circle, back to my shower. As I stood there, I could feel something deep inside of me. The atmosphere around me changed, turned more powerful than electric, something I had never experienced before. Immediately, though, I knew what was happening; I could feel the omnipotent presence surround me, filling up every pore in my being, being inhaled and ingested and enveloping every bit of my being down to my soul. I dropped to my knees in wonder and awe, in fear, in loving devotion, and in graciousness. And then I prayed, aloud, conversing with my Lord and Savior, who was standing in my midst. I could feel the Holy Spirit filling my body, giving me wisdom and grace that I had never seen before, but I somehow knew that it was mine all along. In that moment, I knew that I had received the strength of my heavenly Redeemer. And that changed everything.
As if in the waters of baptism again, I rose from my knees, lifting my hands to the heavens and praising the Lord. I could feel unending strength within my body and soul, the presence of the Spirit remaining within me. And in that very moment, I proclaimed my devotion to Him. My life is no longer my own; it has been dedicated to Christ and His will. While remembering who I used to be, I know who I have to become, and who I am already on my way to becoming. I shall be a vessel of His word to all the people of the earth, whether they know Him or not. My life is no longer my own; I shall be whatever I am called to be, and now I understand what that truly is. The joy in my heart outweighs all of my past sorrows combined; the happiness I have discovered once again in Him easily outstrips any worldly and material values.
My brothers and sisters, I now turn to you in faith, and I implore you to listen and wait for the Lord. Let Him come into your life in His own way, and then hear Him. He strengthens us with His words, nourishes us with His spirit, and has saved us with His one and only Son. And as He has loved all of us, so we must love each other as we would love Him in return. Rejoice in the Lord! Live His words and commandments, embody His spirit, and show the world His everlasting love and salvation! Again, I tell you, rejoice, for the Son of Man has saved us all from the unquenchable fires of Hell and given us eternal life with the Father in heaven!
1 Corinthians 13: 1-13
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